????????

What's

the

purpose

of my

existence??!?

Why?

I'M MISSING YOU
Author: Angel

Why can't I speak when I have so much to tell?
Why can't I write when I have so much in mind?
Why can't I sing when there's music in my heart?
Why can't I dance when there's rhythm in the air?

Too many words left unspoken
Too many things left undone
Why can't it be and why can't I?
For all I know this pain deep inside
Took the gladness from my heart.

Is this the pain of missing you?
Is this the reason behind it all?

Hear the agony of my heart
Longing for you and for your touch
Feeling your lips, feeling your face
Missing your warm embrace.

When will the waiting ever be over?
For as long as were apart I can never be whole
Oh! My Dearest
I just want you to know
That my heart is aching because
"I'M MISSING YOU!"

Something...

Something been making me blue, its been a long time since she left, but whenever i am missing her, that long time seems just yesterday. Sometimes, i am fooling myself thinking that she's just there, i just can't see her, just can't touch her. It really hurts, cause i thought starting from the day she says yes, i would be living my life knowing how's the feeling of living with the one you're loving would always be beside you. Now i know it wasn't like that. Destiny is playing with me, when i thought it was over, my heart says "I need her". Saying it even harder.

It hurts...

Three hours ago, on our P.E. class, something was added in my unwanted-memory box. We were asked to make a dance using the steps our instructor taught us. But i can't really cope with it, how shameful i am when we perform it. As what i am expecting, our instructor stood beside our group and said, "Ok, you can all go out, except that guy behind" while pointing on me... huhu... What an embarrassing moment... I just smile and said, "Ako po?" as if i got the steps right. haha.

My cars...

My fascination to miniature die cast cars started when i was in grade school but never thought of collecting it. When i stepped high school i realized collecting them is something cool even if i wouldn't be able to complete the whole series. So i started collecting die casts when i was 2nd year and took it seriously when i was already 4th year. But i got my first cars when i was still in grade school, the Armored Personel Carrier, two red Fire trucks, an Ambulance, and a red Mazda RX8 of Tomica and the best, a white Mitsubishi Pajero of Majorette. Now, majority on my collection is Hot wheels, followed by matchbox, next, tomica, one Johnny Lightning, a Corgi wheelz, High speed. Take a look on the picture, it was taken at the kitchen of our new house when i went back home for vacation.

YEAH...

Yesterday, it wasn't my plan to buy a "hot wheels ferrari car racers" die cast car series collectible, but i was so attracted when i saw one. I couldn't help but to buy it. Actually i bought three cars (HW Ferrari GTB Fiorano 599, Lotus Europa, VolksWagen 4x4 Beetle). The one of the pictures, on the bottom is the Ferrari GTB Fiorano. It really is a worth-buying thing because it is very detailed.

Who is she?

I really miss her that i can't keep myself away of writing anything about her. I got plenty pictures of her, but all of those pictures i have were taken when she was still here. I don't want those recent pics. of her coz it seems to me she is no longer the girl that i've known. I wanna be stocked in the time that i am seeing her walking toward the gate so fast coz she is already late, seeing her eating whenever i am looking on her seat behind me, seeing her smile when i am sitting beside her and stare at her eyes, writing on her notebook without her permission-because only during those times i can feel the true happiness. I miss making her feel how much i love her not through the words but by action.I miss pretending in front of her that i don't love her but in fact i really really do.

Before, it hurts me that when someone sees her picture on my wallet or on my phone and ask me "Who is she?". Sometimes i can't really say the truth coz i am afraid that they might not believe me that i've got someone like her that loves me. but slowly turns my back and whisper "She's my Girlfriend". Coz i am afraid...

As time passes by, i already have the guts, ngayon pa na hindi na kami!!! We already broke up. It's still sad.

She doesn't want her voice.

Last night i called her, just to hear her voice. We talked for almost an hour. There are times that she can't understand what i am saying, she always says "ha?" and i would say "Cotton buds". When we don't have anything more to say with each other, will just say "Hoy" and she would say "Ano?" and we'll be like that for about a couple of minutes. Last night, i made her hear one of the voice messages she sent me, the one i picked was the message she sent me when we reached the third month of our relationship. It seems that her own voice annoys her and she no longer wanted to hear anything she sent me. It annoys her much for sure, but sometimes i am happy when the one i love feels such of that feeling. I am always listening to that message specially when i am missing her. So often that i almost memorized it: first line-"Kuya thanks for your voice message, nakaka-touch, sobra. I just wanna let you know kuya that i love you so much. Pasensya ka na po kung pasaway ako minsan, hindi nagsasalita. Pero kuya, gusto kong malaman mo na mahal na mahal kita kahit di mo man yon laging naririnig yon sakin. Mahal na mahal kita kuya at di po yon magbabago kahit anong mangyari....." OpPs... it reaches almost the end... hehe... It's so sweet, isn't it?

sometimes are becoming often...

Sometimes,

i miss here, makes me wish that she must be right by my side. Sometimes, i am becoming an envious animal whenever i see some partners holding each others hand, a boy joining a girl on a table, eating together... Sometimes, when things go wrong, there;s no one for me to turn to, and that's the times i need her most. I need someone who'll comfort me in the midst of trouble, someone to hold my hand and say "Ok lang yon, don't be sad". And i want that someone not to be anyone but her. Sometimes, i am seeing her face to some strangers, smelling her perfume to anyone.... and those "sometimes" are becoming more often, but her presence is all i need to feel. I can' t do anything today but to just hope that someday, those "sometimes" would be everyday...

Still smile, please!!

I haven't wrote anything since the day i came back from my town. There were so many things that had happened there. The happiest? I have been able to teach and play music again. To have a bonding with my old friends and my former band members again was indeed a nice feeling. But there's something unexpected happened... A sad one for me! There's a girl, 16 y/o or so, teased by her friends and according to her friends was having a special feeling for me. I ignored it, thinking that it was just a high school thing, i mean, i also been a high school student before. And even if it is true, she is too young for me!!! She is one of the dancers. The entire group is composed of dancers and musicians. Yon nga, Since i started teaching the musicians, i noticed that this particular girl, was so, "papansin" as what teenagers say... Every break, she's going at our area, sit there, doing nothing. She often calls me, makes me go close to her, just to say a non sense thing. I ignored it. But i can't deny the fact that there's a bit sweetness in her attitude sometimes. So, to make this long story short, a night before the performance day, the entire group was asked to sleep at the school for 3:AM practice. I, as the musicians teacher must also sleep there. But before i go to sleep, we (with the drummers) went out to roam, after that, they all sleep inside and i stayed out txting my ATE... I sat under the tree and after a while, the girl that i am talking about went out too and sat beside me, i didn't mind it, well, maybe because i am mature enough to think straight. I mean, everyone can sit beside me. Then, magtapat ba naman sa'kin, i was shocked. I said nothing but "ah, ganon ba? Bata ka pa" then laughed. She said "kuya ---- naman eh" and suddenly leaned on my shoulder, ang mali ko ay, i let her do it. She almost hug me nga ehhh.... I let her not because i like her too, but just because i don't wanna hurt her. Tsaka, baka bumaba tingin nya sa sarili nya, and i don't want it to happen to anyone. She stayed by my side almost hugging me for about 15 mins. My right hand was on my phone and the left was in my pocket, avoiding to hug her back... hehe. During that 15 mins. i said nothing but "ahw" whenever she says something. And after that 15 mins. i realized na baka mas umasa xa, un, i slightly and gently pushed her head 1st away from my shoulder and just said, "you better sleep na, pasok ka na sa room.nyo. Hindi pala pumayag si Mama na dito ako matulog" just to free my body away from her. After i said goodnight, i walked away from her toward the gate as fast as i could. After the performance, i texted her to better find the right guy and explained what i feel and what is wrong... She got mad at me, but i can't blame her, her only fault is being young. She still doesn't know many things. Including the difference between love and infatuation. I apologized to her even though i don't have to, and pretend that i was the one who's wrong to lessen what she feels... Tell me, must i be condemned for what i've done? Mali ba ang ginawa ko? Hope, before you put an angry feeling in your heart, try to understand me first...

For the girl that i truly love, forgive me and understand me, and i hope you can still smile...